Woody Allen Quotes — Page 25

Director, Actor, Writer

Melancholic

“Human existence is a brutal experience to me... it's a brutal, meaningless experience - an agonizing, meaningless experience with some oases, delight, some charm and peace, but these are just small oases. Overall, it is a brutal, terrible experience, and so it salvation is what can you do to alleviate the agony of the human condition, the human predicament? That is what interests me the most.”

Agony Oasis Agonizing

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Woody Allen

Director, Actor, Writer

Funny

“Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.”

Dog Phones Return

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Funny

“If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?”

Men Would Be

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Philosophical

“A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.”

Men Logic

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Funny

“I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

People Night Sex

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Hopeful

“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”

Humorous Witty Books And Movies

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Funny

“I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

Giving Trying Two

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Funny

“Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.”

Pain Life Is Short Short Life

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Funny

“Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.”

Funny Humor Beauty

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Funny

“What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.”

Giving Light Average

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Melancholic

“Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.”

Giving Brother Symphony

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Sad

“The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.”

Done Depressing Afterlife

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