Demetri Martin Quotes

494 quotes · Comedian, Actor

Page 23 of 42

Demetri Martin Quotes

All Funny Creative Love Nostalgic Hopeful 494 quotes · page 23 of 42

Demetri Martin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?”

Mean Giving Advice

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Demetri Martin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".”

Funny Firsts Humor

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Funny

“I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed”

Home Machines

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Wise

“Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

Wise Printed

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Funny

“Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

Today Listening Restaurants

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Funny

“I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”

Thinking Invention

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Funny

“They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!”

Should Fishing

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Funny

“I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.”

Stupid I Can Certain

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Funny

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Funny Doors Humor

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Funny

“I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.”

Thinking Book Nice

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Funny

“I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.”

Running Workout Yelling

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Funny

“When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.”

Trying Water Gun

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