Demetri Martin Quotes

494 quotes · Comedian, Actor

Page 20 of 42

Demetri Martin Quotes

All Funny Creative Love Nostalgic Hopeful 494 quotes · page 20 of 42

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'”

Voice Morning Phones

♥ 5

Demetri Martin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'”

Children Kids Sound

♥ 5

Funny

“I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

Men Unreliable

♥ 5

Funny

“Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.”

Reality Faces

♥ 5

Funny

“I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.”

Hands Numbers Broke

♥ 5

Funny

“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'”

Funny Humor Couple

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Funny

“I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.”

Together Hermits

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Funny

“A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.”

Queens Drag

♥ 5

Funny

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Want Funny Humor

♥ 5

Funny

“I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.”

Sleep Pockets Pairs

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Funny

“Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'”

Hands Sweet Balls

♥ 5

Funny

“I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.”

Two Dog Sweaters

♥ 5