Woody Allen — Funny Quotes

246 quotes · Director, Actor, Writer

Page 16 of 21

Woody Allen Quotes

All Funny Philosophical Angry Love Spiritual 246 quotes · page 16 of 21

Woody Allen

Director, Actor, Writer

Funny

“A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.”

Two Girl Bed

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Woody Allen

Director, Actor, Writer

Funny

“Fantasy is seductive and much more wonderful than reality, but you can't take it to the bank. It's always an escape. And if used as an escape, as in attending a movie or a show for a circumscribed period of time, it's fine. When it starts to become undifferentiated from reality, it leads to big trouble.”

Reality Fantasy Seductive

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Funny

“Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.”

Sex Humorous

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Funny

“My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.”

Wife Immature

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Funny

“I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.”

People Believe Catholic

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Funny

“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”

Men Two

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Funny

“I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.”

Funny Humor

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Funny

“In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.”

Law New York Divorce

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Funny

“Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.”

Lying Sleep Lambs

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Funny

“What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?”

Funny Basketball Balls

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Funny

“When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.”

Want Business Oscars

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Funny

“This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.”

People Needs Sound

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