Woody Allen — Funny Quotes

246 quotes · Director, Actor, Writer

Page 12 of 21

Woody Allen Quotes

All Funny Philosophical Angry Love Spiritual 246 quotes · page 12 of 21

Woody Allen

Director, Actor, Writer

Funny

“I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.”

Home Sitting Distraction

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Woody Allen

Director, Actor, Writer

Funny

“Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.”

Law Done Lobster

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Funny

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

Humorous Bird

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Funny

“How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.”

Understanding Hell

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Funny

“They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.”

New York Ballet Swans

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Funny

“Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.”

Thinking Men Sex

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Funny

“Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

School Class

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Funny

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”

Funny Baseball

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Funny

“When you make the film, it's like a chef who works on the meal. After you're working all day in the kitchen and dicing and cutting and putting the sauces on, you don't want to eat it. That's how I always feel about the films. I work on it for a year. I've written it, I've worked with the actors, I've edited, put the music in. I just never want to see it again.”

Years Cutting Kitchen

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Funny

“I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.”

Home Night Sports

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Funny

“We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!”

Film Censorship Lit

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Funny

“The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it.”

People Play Actors

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