Mark Twain Funny Quotes — Page 30

Writer, Humorist

Funny

“Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.”

Simple Dog Cat

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Mark Twain

Writer, Humorist

Funny

“Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.”

Funny Fighting Cat

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Funny

“Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.”

Satan Opposition

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Funny

“Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time.”

Law Persons

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Funny

“I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman.”

Thinking Mean Political

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Funny

“Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?”

Funny Science Humor

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Funny

“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.”

Joy Secret

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Funny

“Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.”

Virtue Eccentric

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Funny

“There warn't anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn't any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it's cool. If you notice, most folks don't go to church only when they've got to; but a hog is different.”

Two Doors Summer

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Funny

“We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-”

Men Funny Humorous

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Funny

“A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.”

Long Food Cooking

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Funny

“Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection. - The Babies speech 1879”

Real Differences Baby

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Mark Twain — Funny Quotes

Mark Twain Quotes