George Carlin — Funny Quotes

482 quotes · Comedian, Actor

Page 19 of 41

George Carlin Quotes

All Funny Angry Philosophical Spiritual Creative 482 quotes · page 19 of 41

George Carlin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.”

People Guy Loner

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George Carlin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

Funny Morning Dark

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Funny

“The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.”

Following Statements

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Funny

“God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.”

Funny Stupid

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Funny

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”

Death Humorous Suicide

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Funny

“My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”

Advice Persistence Finding Yourself

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Funny

“Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”

Funny Stupid

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Funny

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

Drawing Boards

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Funny

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

Hair Dirty Teeth

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Funny

“I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people.”

People Thinking Trying

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Funny

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

Mean Inspirational

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Funny

“Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?”

Funny Humor

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