Demetri Martin — Funny Quotes

403 quotes · Comedian, Actor

Page 25 of 34

Demetri Martin Quotes

All Funny Creative Love Nostalgic Hopeful 403 quotes · page 25 of 34

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

Funny Humor Forever

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Demetri Martin

Comedian, Actor

Funny

“I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.”

Trying Air Bed

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Funny

“Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.”

Hate Shooting

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Funny

“I've never read an article of clothing.”

Clothings Articles

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Funny

“Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.”

Years Three Remember

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Funny

“Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.”

Rooms Mystery Cookies

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Funny

“A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.”

Names Guy

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Funny

“I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.”

Want Space

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Funny

“When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.”

School Matter Sex

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Funny

“As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.”

Airplane Forgotten Thank God

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Funny

“I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".”

Girl Funny Humor

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Funny

“I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.”

People Jesus Example

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