Conan O'Brien Funny Quotes — Page 18

CO

Television Host, Comedian

Funny

“Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, 'I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.'”

Jobs Brother Dad

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CO

Conan O'Brien

Television Host, Comedian

Funny

“When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It's really something to see.”

Republican Financial Visionaries

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Funny

“During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, 'She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take another second of this living hell.'”

Acceptance Speech Equal Pay

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Funny

“The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a 'Kanye moment.' Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.”

May Black Sunday

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Funny

“It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

Television Economy Good Things

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Funny

“President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.”

House Joy White

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Funny

“The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'”

Men Leader Cio

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Funny

“In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.”

Body Presidential Racist

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Funny

“President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

Writing Book President

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Funny

“President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.”

President Cuba Diplomatic Relations

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Funny

“According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found that most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.”

Men Jobs Study

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Funny

“My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.”

Comedy My Favorite No Point

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Conan O'Brien — Funny Quotes

Conan O'Brien Quotes